It’s been more than four months since I stopped dating. I’ve been exclusively dating a special guy late last year and well…sadly, things didn’t work out. Mygulay patty lagi na lang?! It was such a “bad breakup”. So bad that I was so emotionally drained, so traumatized and so freakiiiiiing frustrated and depressed. Really it was more than bad. It was worst. Bad is an understatement. Remember my previous post about hang-ups and hangovers? I tried doing that again but this time, nothing worked for me! Ganun kalala. Feeling ko nga B-I-N-G-O na ko sa hurt department eh. Not even chocolates can make me feel better (I've been eating chocolates almost everyday pero wala, I just turned diabetic haha!) I may be kengkoy and sabaw goofball most of the times, but I've had my (un)fair share of disappointments and heartbreaks. It was just those moments that I’m not inspired to get up from my bed, not in the mood to eat or do anything, not in the mood to talk or see other people even my own set of friends. I’ve been totally aloof to everyone! Occasionally, I’ll have some breakdowns. It was such a not so good feeling at all.
Since then I stopped dating. There were some guys who expressed their intentions but because I was just as hurt and I wasn’t really ready to open myself again, I politely turned them down. It wasn't because I think highly of myself or I suddenly turned to be a man-hater. It wasn't just the right time for me. Most of the guys who ask me out are real fine gentleman but I just don’t want to invest emotions again and I don’t want to waste their time..and more importantly, my time. I’m not the kind of paasa type. I feel that I needed to heal first before I can date anyone. Honestly, no amount of admirers, compliments or whatsoever can make me feel good about myself. For any single girl, this would be a dream scenario - to suddenly feel so "in-demand" and wanted, it was like having a note posted on your forehead that says "I'M SINGLE". It may be an enviable position to be in, but to tell you the truth, it was not really a happy place. A lot of my friends are telling me why don’t I give myself another chance to date again. Some would say it will fasten up my "recovery" from the hurt I went through but I’ll just tell them I’m not ready. I don’t want to just because I don’t want to. It’s like saying “It’s me.It’s not them.”. I wanted time to be with me, myself and I... Most of all, I needed time to be with God.
Recently, I just declined an invitation from someone to go out for a date. I was telling that to my friend and she said, “Ikaw na talaga!! Bakit na naman? Okay naman siya ah. Lahat na lang ng lalake inayawan mo.” I jokingly told her “Eh wala lang. Ayoko lang. I don't want to date. Ayoko nga sa mga lalake. Jerk sila lahat.” She said “That’s the problem with you, nag generalize ka na naman. Why don’t you give the guy a chance...more importantly why don’t you give yourself a chance? Di ko naman sinabi magboyfriend ka na no. Kung ayaw m sakanya eh di wag, at least nagbigay ka ng chance kesa wala” That’s when it hit me. Chances. Second chances. Even third chances. I always tell people I’m generous in giving chances. I really am until now...kasi naman when you’ve been sooo hurt in the past, you tend to guard your heart more to the extent that you are not anymore giving people chances, you tend to be selfish to them and to yourself. I think it's okay to preserve yourself but you have to know what is just and what is right. Plus, just because one or two people hurt you in the past, it doesn't mean all of them are like that. It's always and will always be right thing to see the goodness in people.
So starting today, I think I should stop being harsh to myself. As one friend told me, "Yup it might be harder pero I'm sure you learned a lot from it . You'll be a better person, a better friend and a better partner when that right person comes your way. He's on the way and believe me, he's getting where you are as fast as he can." So awe-inspiring. Hmmmm...so am I ready to date? Not really, but I can try.:)
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